Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
