you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
