GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
