so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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