last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
