this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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