If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
