It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
someone owes me an orgasm
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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