I seem to have left my pride at pride
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
