____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
