when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So squirting runs in the family.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
