Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
