bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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