There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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