So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
