i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
