I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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