Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
