You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
