even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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