At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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