how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
