People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
