He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
