i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
