just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
