Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
