i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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