She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
