I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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