sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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