the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
