I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
