what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
