Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
