seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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