So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
