Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
