I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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