i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
