smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
