All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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