i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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