is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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