we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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