dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
