I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
