This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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