Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
