Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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