if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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